Homeboi's Diary

Black Thursday

If you didn't know better at times you could swear that Mart and I are biologically related. Physically we're very different but there are some traits that are more than just spookily common to us both. Neither of us are morning people. Stress us in the morning and it is the equivalent of dressing in a zebra suit and dancing in front of our noses.

The alarm on Marts phone went off at 7am. He kinda half fell, half flew across the room to turn it off. As he looked back with a very bleary face he kinda double-took as he saw me in the bed. I can't really describe his expression other than 'it's morning'. He stood there momentarily. Then suddenly realised that he was naked and I could see his cock nestling in his dark bush. Quickly he scrabbled on the floor for his shorts and put them on. He opened the bedroom door and fell into the bathroom.

With the bedroom door open I could hear Kath milling around. She's normally a little more with it in the mornings than the rest of us. I sat up in bed and Mart came back in, started to root out clothes to wear that day and then started dressing. Just then Kath knocked on the bedroom door and asked us whether we wanted a brew. We both kinda grunted to the affirmative and were left in peace. We spoke very little to each other. There was silence, but it wasn't an awkward silence. Mart went back to the bathroom to wash and I took the opportunity to get out of bed, get dressed and start putting my stuff back in my bag. I'd just finished dressing and was sat on the bed putting my trainers on when Kath came back in. She handed me the cup and placed Mart's down for when he returned. She knew what happened last night, it was obvious that she knew!

Mart returned from the bathroom and sat down on the bed and proceeded to drink. Still we said very little to each other. May seem strange to other people but we know that neither of us need to talk to each other to know that we're ok. I got back on the floor to scrabble around packing my bits away. I finished and sat back on the bed. I handed Mart a cigarette which he gladly took and we lit up. Kath came back in.

It was probably about 7.20am now. Mart had to leave for work in 10 minutes. Kath and I were headed in the same direction, town. So she suggested that we get the bus together. I wasn't very conversational and knew I wouldn't be chatting to her, but it was still a travelling companion. I agreed to go with her. She was starting at 8am and I knew I could get into the office at that time. I'd be at work super-early. Yay me! Kath said she'd be leaving in a few minutes so I went to put my coat and cap on. Mart was all set for leaving shortly as well but slightly after us. I went over to him and we hugged and kissed. We both said that we'd enjoyed last night, we both meant it. I told him to have a good day and that I'd see him outside in a few minutes and left with Kath.

As we got outside a bus pulled up, so I never got chance to see Mart outside. The bus was packed but Kath was able to find two seats near the back. I found myself looking at a group of lads, scally labourer types. Yum, I thought. They all looked worse from the night before. Two of them kept nodding off then waking up. One of them was wearing the dusty builder-boots and flourescent tunics that I like. I think I gave a wry smile to myself thinking unthinkable thoughts. I turned to see whether Kath was looking at me, but she had her head buried in a newspaper. According to Mart, later on she had said that she couldn't work out whether my expression was of the cat who got the cream or just stunned. Mart told her I was stunned (not far from the truth, I suppose) even though I did get the cream in a manner of speaking.

About 7.45 we got off the bus. We had to walk across town for us both to get to work. Kath was all set to choose a route that would have meant us pushing through hoards of people. I showed her a backstreet route that was, thankfully, quiet. I really didn't fancy having to battle against other people. It was a grey day and every one we had seen had looked as though they wished they were elsewhere. I wished I was back in bed.

Our paths parted and we gave each other a farewell peck on the cheek and wished each other to have a good day. I was dying to get into the office. I hadn't washed before leaving as I knew I could do that at work. It would be quiet and I wouldn't be disturbed. I arrived at work and it was like a ghost town. I don't like being there when it's that quiet. Always seems un-natural to me. Got to the office and took my coat off and then hived off to the loo to sort myself out. Oh, it felt so good to clean up. I felt almost human by the time I'd finished, and I was back in the office bang on 8am.

My plan for the day was to spend a short amount of time in the office, a few hours at the most and then work from home for the rest of the day. Plus I was supposed to be meeting Pete at some point in the morning to give him some money for some pills for weekend. However, it all fucked up as Pete couldn't come into town to meet me until the afternoon when I'd be at home. Bollocks! So we arranged that I'd make a special trip back to meet him at 5.30.

The drugs were for the weekend. Saturday is the anniversary of my diagnosis. I'd been referring to it as 'd-day' and telling everyone that my intention was to get 'blitzed'. I know, I'm still here a year on. So much has happened and I've learned so much. Some people might even think I'm crazy for remembering the date. But it's the kind of thing I do. I don't want to get upset and I don't even know how I'm going to feel but I know it's something I have to think about. I haven't re-read my diary entry for that day, yet. I'll do that some time after it's all over.

Originally I was intending to go out on the Saturday but Mart couldn't get the time off so he suggested we do Friday instead. It sounded good to me. Plus, if I got as wasted as I wanted to it meant I'd spend most of Saturday in bed. Most likely sleeping it all off.

I did what I had to do and went home mid-morning. My plan of action for the afternoon, however, didn't go to plan. I became pre-occupied over something. I thought about the text message conversation I'd had with Ben earlier in the week:
Me: Hi babe, I'm going out this Saturday. I'd love you pair to be there.
Ben: Dunno yet. Skint! Xmas and all that. I'll let you know.
Me: Ok. If you can come out I'd really appreciate it, kinda important to me.
Ben: Why? What's wrong sweetheart?
Me: Well you remember I told you I got the flu? Saturday is its first birthday.
Ben: How gay is that! A party. Its slow at work call me...

It made me smile. Then I thought about what Mart said about us celebrating it. Can't remember his exact words but Mart always knows the right things to say at the right time. I suppose that's why I told Ben it was a birthday party. The idea was to be happy. I know I was unhappy that Micheal wouldn't be there. That and a few other things started churning in my brain and my mood got lower and lower. Don't think it helped that I sent Micheal a text message: 'Babe, getting worried 'cos I haven't heard from you today. It's grey and cold out here. Miss you.' Then I waited hours for a delivery report, and his reply informed me that it was raining where he was. He'd missed my point from our conversation a few days ago. 'Grey': I'm feeling down and upset, 'cold out here': isolated, un-loved and lonely.

By the time I got back into town to meet Pete I know I was a bit of a wreck. It wasn't helped by the fact that I'd wanted to meet Pete on his own and when I turned up there was someone with him. To top that I couldn't get to the bottom of exactly what Pete had been on that day. It sure wasn't just alcohol. I sat with them and chatted for a bit. The lad who was with Pete was kinda alright, actually. If I'd been more of myself I'd probably have flirted with him. Fairly well-built scally (kept playing with his crotch through his trackies). Straight, allegedly, 'but I sucked him off in the bogs this afternoon.' Pete told me later. Because of my frame of mind I'm sure I wasn't very plesant to be around. I felt myself spitting out words rather than speaking normally. I probably wasn't as bad as I think, but it's not nice to think of yourself in that way.

We finished our drinks and made our exit. I fancied somewhere a bit quieter as I wanted to talk to Pete anyway. Seems strange wanting to talk to Pete after some of the things we've been through, but he's probably the one person in my life that knows the most about me. I know my brain is warped (at the best of times) but there's a trust there, however slight. I told Pete that I thought the guy was horny. Pete told me what he'd done with him earlier and that 'he wasn't really that much to write home about.' I reminded Pete that it was a bit strange me saying things like that considering my willy wasn't working properly. He looked at me. 'That's alright, I can still fuck your arse!' I glared back at him. Maybe the comment was uncalled for, maybe he was just joking. Somehow I didn't see the humour in it.

We found somewhere, got a drink and sat down. My spirits were low. Very low. Conversation was difficult. All Pete wanted to do was talk at me and I needed him to listen to me. There were things I needed help or a soundingboard with. I ended up getting very frustrated and emotional. Very emotional in fact. At one point I threatened to pour his drink over him and throw him through a window if he didn't shut up and listen. I got myself more and more worked up. Angry at the situation, and angry with everything and everyone around. I reminded Pete about my destructive urges and that it would be possible for me to put him through a window and not be bothered about it.

Eventually I calmed down. I'd blub every so often. I wasn't right and Pete knew it. I was even lower than before. Pete mentioned about me staying out a while with him. I didn't really want to, I wanted to go home, have something to eat and rest up. Tomorrow was a heavy day: an install to do first thing and then a product presentation to attend for the rest of the day. We sat until my mood lifted a little. He offered to come back with me as he didn't think I was safe to be left on my own. I wanted to go home alone.

We had a few more drinks. Then I leant over to Pete and whispered 'I'm thinking of having half of one of these pills, you want the other?' He didn't need to be asked twice. He'd told me they were strong and that they were good. If they were as good as he said they were they would do the job I needed them to. We actually had two halves each that night.

I know that I eventually had a good night. I actually enjoyed being out with Pete and it's been ages since I've been able to turn around and mean that. It was nice. We chatted, you could say we flirted a little and for a moment I felt normal. I can't tell you everything that happened as parts of it are just too blurry. Must have had a good time.

Towards the end of the night the horniness of the pills kicked in and I considered Pete's offer of sex. I knew it was a bad idea and would cause more complications that it was worth but it was still an offer. I mean, I felt a mess and am pretty sure I looked a state. I wasn't gonna cop with anyone else that night. It got to 1.30am and I finally decided that it was time for me to leave. I told Pete I had to go and he kissed and hugged me. I was kinda surprised when he told me to be careful going home. Said he was going to stay out a bit longer. It probably was a good idea, to be honest.

I got a taxi home. Took my coat and shoes off, turned the TV on and lay on the couch. And that's all I can remember until morning.

Countdown To D-Day

Friday morning. When I wake up my clock radio says 9.10am. I'm late! I was supposed to be in the office at 8am to do an install and to be the other side of Manchester by 10.30 for a product presentation. Shit! The install was an update, fortunately not critical, but one that can only be done when one of our systems is completely down. That would have to wait until later in the day. My priority was getting to the product presentation and meeting someone from work there. I'd agreed on the Wednesday that I'd be going as I was 'fit for work'. Ok, the sick note had run out.

What was I doing in bed? I was still clothed! I didn't remember going to bed but knew I had to move fast. Quickly getting dressed, threw a cup of coffee down my throat. I felt rough, again. Down stairs I saw my phone. There was a message that I'd been writing: 'Just looked at myself. God what a mess. What am I doing?' I wasn't sure whether I'd sent it. Couldn't even remember writing it. A vague recollection of me lying back last night with my hands over my face crying. But that's all I can remember.

Shit! In my rush to get out of the office yesterday I'd forgotten to pick up the details of where I was going from off the printer. I knew the building I was going to, just hoped that someone there knew where I was supposed to be in that building! I've been to things like this before where you turn up and the people on reception look at you as if you're speaking Japanese. Best was when I bombed it all the way up the motorway to a presentation on Chorley and was about to vent huge amounts of bile at a poor receptionist for being very clueless, until she pointed out that the date on my piece of paper was next week. Oops!

I dashed out to get the bus into town. My phone, on discreete, vibrated in my bag to let me know that a message had been delivered. I'd sent that message to Micheal! Then it started ringing, well, a constant vibrate. I couldn't face answering it. Another message delivered. I still didn't fancy taking my phone out of my bag. Last night's antics had only stalled a worsening of the way that I felt the previous afternoon. I was praying for the day to hurry up and finish so I could meet with Mart later. I knew I'd be ok once I'd got him with me. Another message arrives.

Off one bus. Quick dash across town to get another bus. Fortunately didn't have to wait long. It was 9.50am. I was surprised that I was going to be early! Sat on the bus I plucked up courage to look at my phone. Just hoped it didn't go off in my hand. It always shows messages before call numbers. Delivery report for the message to Micheal. Message from Pete to check I was ok. Message from Micheal: 'I can't help you if you won't talk to me...'. Then the missed phone calls: Pete, then Micheal. I decided to reply to Micheal. Basically, 'couldn't talk at the moment, work thing. Feeling crap. Looks like the bender has started.' some comment about him not being here, ending with 'but life goes on. Maybe.'

I got to my destination. I wasn't the first arrival and had chance to talk to some other people that I know that were there. We swapped insults about the company presenting. We both have a good relationship with the rep but sometimes have problems with the way the company does business. The presentation got started and I turned my phone off.

The morning presentation was good, but I didn't need the sales pitch and to know how the company 'knew it was the best in the market place!' We wouldn't be doing business with them otherwise. Learning about the direction of the company for the next year was useful. Sounds like we'll still be with them next year, unless they change their corporate minds!

Lunch time came, a buffet lunch. Nothing inspiring but at least a free feed. After eating I stepped outside for a smoke. Turned my phone on and waiting. Delivery report received. No message followed. I wrote a message 'Got 25 mins for lunch. At a product presentation. Having trouble focusing. Call me if ya want...'. Sent. Delivery report. I wait. I go for a wander around the grounds. It's bitter, I'm already cold inside, not wanting to be there. I wait some more. Another cigarette. Already worked out that I'm smoking far too much at the moment. Realise that when half way through a cigarette I take a drag and am disgusted by the taste, but still don't feel like putting it out. Fuck It! I say to myself and go back inside. I got 10 minutes before the presentations start again. I'm in the loo, just putting myself away after peeing when my phone goes off.

I move to somewhere I can talk. Strangely the only place is to be stood outside the gents! I can have a phone conversation outside a toilet but never inside one. Think that stems from my younger days when a toilet was a place for 'business' and not to hold conversations. He started in a caring but lecturing tone. Looking back he probably had my best interests at heart. My end of the conversation was bitty, my tone snappy. I told him I was out with Pete and he seemed thankful that I wasn't out on my own. He questioned whether my lack of focus was due to what I'd consumed last night and gathered that I wasn't just on alcohol. I agreed that it was probably a factor but not the entire story. I'm sure it was pretty clear from my tone that I was unhappy. I think he was concerned, but I'm not convinced of it. He says he understands what I'm going through but I'm not seeing or hearing anything that backs that up. At the moment I'm only trusting the things I see. He advises me to make sure I eat before I go out, drink some orange and some vitamins - to try and stem some of the damage I've already caused. I thank him for the advice and say that I'm gonna have to get back. He promises to ring me about 7pm. We end the call and I turn my phone off. I'm not sure if I feel better for speaking to him or worse. Just numb, that's the best way to describe it.

The afternoon session is more interesting. Practical demo of the systems on offer. Hearing about software is ok. Seeing it in action is better. Being allowed to play with it is even better. Sadly, only got to see it in action. Nice management system. Gonna cost a lot but I'm interested! I couldn't wait for it to be over, though. I knew it was a dash back to work and I felt so tired. But I had to do this install before weekend.

At work I went straight to the server room. Fortunately no one was using the system I was about to cripple! I shut it off, ran the install, set the configuration, started it back up again. Now the test. Everything came back online and was working normally. Whole downtime less than 20 minutes. Home time! And if it breaks after I've gone, TOUGH SHIT!

I spent some time catching up on my diary whilst at the same time trying to figure out what I'm wearing tonight. Really, I didn't have a clue! Knew I needed to have a bath, wash my hair, shave (both ends) and douche (well, you never know what might happen later). Thinking about later made me feel better. I was gonna get wankered and have a real good time, and Mart was gonna be there to share it with me.

The worst part about going out for me is always deciding what to wear. I've made some bad decisions in my time, and worn things that really don't do me justice. Then other times I can look and feel so hot. Tonight I was going to need to feel good even if I didn't look that good. So, it was blue sleeveless top (the one for Mart and boyf's ill-fated engagement party), jeans, and I was going to wear my Rockports but my ankle decided that they wouldn't be a good idea. Ok then, black trainers it is. I wasn't going to take a jacket. After all, I'm getting a taxi there and a taxi home.

Don't ask me why but I put on Mart's CD - the Madonna one. I douche. Then while waiting for all the air/water to come out I shave my face. I begin to wonder whether Kyle knows that Mart and I have had sex to a CD that he put together for Mart and start giggling to myself. The phone goes. it's Mart. We arrange to meet at 8.30. I don't tell him what I've been listening to and wondering. I go back to the bathroom with the phone and decide to order a taxi. Get it in early and it might just turn up on time. I run the bath, get in and start doing what I need to do.

The phone goes while I'm in. Thank god I wasn't shaving at the time it have a very loud abrupt ring and always makes me jump. It was Daddy. He's with Ben (ah, my sexy Ben!) and they're wondering whether I'm out tonight. I tell him I am, that I was originally out on the Saturday but changed plan and that I'll be out meeting Mart at 8.30. Excellent! Having Ben and Daddy there will make me happy. I shave and then wash my hair. Just about to get out of the bath when the phone goes again. I'm thinking it's Micheal. No, it's some automated thing so I hang up. Been getting a lot of those lately.

I dry off and proceed to get ready. Shite! I've got 50 minutes to get ready. Clothes get thrown on. I decide to root out a jacket to put on. It's gonna be a cold night. My nice white one. Lenses in and do my hair. It's a bit spiky and scrunchy, quite different for me. I look at myself, yeah, I'll do.

Food! Yes, must eat. Macaroni cheese, bread, multi-vitamins, orange juice. I'm in the middle of eating when the phone goes. It's 7.35, it's Micheal. He'd gone for a lie down, woke up and realised that it was past the time he should have been ringing me. I excused myself for trying to eat and talk to him. He laughed and realised that it would be better if he gave me some time to eat and rang me back. I finished eating and he rang shortly after. Told him the plans and how I was just waiting on the taxi. My tone was pretty disinterested. Yeah, it was nice to hear him, but I wanted him to be here and to share this night with me. He offered to ring Daddy for me and get him to come home with me so I wasn't alone over night. I told him that it wasn't being on my own that bothered me, it was feeling as if I was on my own that did. He went silent for a moment. We picked up the conversation again and he said he'd ring me in the morning. Then we decided that as I didn't know what state I was going to end up in that it might be better to leave it until slightly later. We settled on midday. He hoped I enjoyed myself and we ended the call. I stood by the window waiting for the taxi to come.

T-minus Twelve

The taxi arrives. It was only 10 minutes late! So much for ordering in good time, I think to myself. Still I get into town and now it's just a case of waiting. Daddy and Ben aren't there yet, probably still doing the rounds, and I'm sure that Mart is not long off arriving. I get to the bar and order my drink.

While I'm waiting a friend of Jeffs comes round. We let on to each other, do the 'hello's' and kisses. I ask him how he is. He leans against the bar, puts one hand on his forehead, and stated 'I'm fucking wankered!' with exasperation. I start to laugh and tell him that that's how I intend to be by the end of the night. He reminds me of someone I had (or did he have me?) at McDonalds the other week. The height was right, the face looked right. The only other distinguishing feature would be his cock, and I wasn't about to ask him to show me that just yet!

So I'm stood at the bar. Just waiting. Unusual for me as I hate propping up bars with a passion. I always have. Apart from stopping other people from ordering drinks it usually means you have your back to the rest of the joint so unless you have eyes in your arse (been told I've got teeth in mine, but that is another story) you can't sken any potential totty! Suddenly I'm grabbed at the waist and squeezed. I jump around and end up gazing into Mart's beaming face. He'd already told me that he'd sunk a bottle of vodka with Kath that day. He wasn't pissed, just very happy! I was so pleased to see him. We embraced and kissed and then he came forward to order a drink. We chatted for a while at the bar and Jeff's friend milled past a few times. He caught Mart's eye at one point. 'Mmm, I know!' I said.

Then a table became vacant so I suggested that we sit down. We did, and spent a few moments looking at each other, looking away, giggling, then looking back at each other. Our conversation was as flirty as ever.

'You know something,' I began, 'I love being with you because you always make me feel better.'
'Ooo', he cooed raising one eyebrow. 'I know!' he oozed with satisfaction.

No one knew quite how this evening was going to pan out, least of all me! My intention was to enjoy myself, get pretty wasted, then sleep with maybe some sex along the way. We continued chatting, flirting and the innuendo. Then Mart decided that he wanted to be closer to the music so we went to the dance area and stood at a table.

We were minding our own business, flirting a little with each other, when we both spotted this lad. Hideous white shirt (I can't describe the pattern) and a black jacket that couldn't make up it's mind whether it was on or off. He started making 'goo goo' eyes at us. Mart and I looked at each other. 'Oh my god!' I mouthed to Mart. Mart quickly, and obviously, turned to face me to get him out of his line of sight. The look on Mart's face said one thing, 'wierdo'. He was probably quite a nice lad, just on another planet at that moment in time.

In between parts of our conversation I was still watching him. Not with any intent, I just wanted to see what was going to happen with that jacket. It was all off, all on, one arm in. At one point I thought he was going to throw it on the floor and jump on it to beat it into submission. Now that would have been so funny. I went to the loo to 'drop a little something' and when I came back I asked Mart if he wanted to do likewise. He did.

A few more moments past and then Mart sent me to the bar to get us both drinks. I had to slide between two people at the bar to get served. Hands were placed on my hips from behind, then they slid round to my side along with their owner. It was the 'jacket lad'. I tried to ignore him, but it wasn't working. I put my order in for Mart and myself.

'What you want?' jacket lad mumbled. I hate that. I couldn't hear him partly because of the music and his mumbling.
'Sorry love, what you say? I can't hear you'
He tried again. This time pulling my head down to his level. I was praying that he wasn't going to shout in my ear. Perfect excuse for me to thump him! This time I understood.
'You're alright, mate,' I began, 'my friend has just bought me one.
'No, I wanna get you a drink. What you want?'
My drinks arrive. I pick them up, turn to face him square on, crouch a little and whisper to him. 'Look, you're alright but my mate has just bought me a drink.' I give him a little peck on the cheek, 'You enjoy yourself tonight.' And then I walk back to Mart to tell him what's just happened.

Mart's laughing at me. One of the last times we did this he ended up with a drag queen and I got chatted up by this cute butch lesbian. This time I just get a wierdo. Are things improving? Silly thing is that he was rather sweet, but it was the hideous shirt that sealed his fate.

I was just about to send a text message to Daddy to find out where he was when, lo and behold, him and Ben arrive. They come over and I kiss and hug the pair of them. I can relax now. Everyone is here. I say to Mart that I'm going to enjoy tonight. He raises his eyebrows in the way that only he can.

The pills and the alcohol kick in and everything is feeling great. My jacket comes off and I tie it round my waist. Ben makes some comment about me needing to eat. I get closer to him. 'I'll eat later,' Then with a wink and a squeeze of his crotch, 'if you'll feed me that is!' and I wipe my tongue across my top lip. It was too early to be thinking about home time but I was making sure I'd got some bases covered, if you understand.

All in all it was a good night. Spent most of the time in Hollywood flirting with Ben and Jeff's friend. I ended up rubbing his crotch at one point, but he said not to bother as there wasn't much there. Didn't think at the time that that may be a hint to rub some more. Never mind, another time. Mart was exceptionally flirty. At one point I lent backwards over the arm of a chair to talk to him, he was sat on the arm of an adjacent chair and leant over and snogged me fully. Nearly broke my back, but I'm used to that with him!

We moved over to the Union and left him dancing in Hollywood. Of course I told him where we were going. Ben rushed over, Daddy was waiting by the door and I went to let Mart know what was going on. As I exited Hollywood Daddy was in the middle of the road talking to two lads. I overheard him say that he was waiting for his daughter 'and here she is now!' I dashed over and he put his arm round me and kissed me on the top of my head.
'So this is your daughter?' said one of the lads.
'Yep, this is my lovely daughter, and my Grandaughter is in there.' Daddy replied pointing at Hollywood.
'And you're his daughter?' he asked me, confusion plainly across his face.
'Yep.' I said.
'So what's your name?' he enquired
I told him. Confusion got the better of him, but it was funny.
'Nah man!' he started, 'my head's completely fucked!'
I started to giggle.
'So are you pair gay, then?' Daddy asked.
Both of them looked at each other, both unsure of what to say. 'No, we're straight.' the mouthpiece answered.
'But you've both been with each other.' I commented, the look on the quiet one's face told me all I needed to know.
We shook hands (how very straight!) and wished each other a good night and Daddy and I went over to the Union to find Ben.

We ended the night in the Union after we'd all arrived there. Jeff was gonna have his hands full. His new boy decided to 'double-drop' his pills and it was the first time he'd ever taken them. Oops! Daddy went home with Ben and I went home with Mart. We seemed to have to wait ages for a taxi, and it was bitterly cold.

Back at Marts we listened to some music and I could see Mart slowly drifting off. We got into bed and I cuddled him. There wasn't going to be any sex that night and maybe that was a good idea.

D-Day

We were rudely awoken by Kyle at 9.45am on the phone. Mart fell out of bed to pick the phone up. I could hear Kath banging around the rest of the flat. I was surprised she was still there as I though she was supposed to be starting work at 10am. Mart was stood by the bedroom door talking. I just stayed cuddled up with the duvet in bed. Mart and Kyle spoke for about 10 minutes then Mart went to the loo. Aparently I looked so cute in bed, all he could see were my eyes peering out.

Mart got back in bed and there was a knock on the door. Kath offering us a brew. She's a good lass. We're getting her well trained, and she'll make someone a lovely 'fag-hag' someday! I gave Mart a quick good morning peck before the brews arrived. The three of us spoke about this and that. Kath was not surprised to see me. After all, I think I'd spent more time with Mart in his bed than with anyone else over the last week!

It seemed strange to still be in Marts bed in daylight. Usually when it's been morning we've both had to rush off but this day was different and we just stayed there. Mart knew that this was D-Day - Diagnosis Day. And I told him that I'd already envisaged spending most of the day in bed, 'just never anticipated it would be your bed!' He howled. He also apologised for the previous night with him just crashing out. He remembered that at one point I was stroking him, and his comment that he 'knew what I was doing, but wasn't able to respond.' I told him that that was ok.

We listened to some CD's and continued talking. I was still horny from the night before and proceeded to tell Mart this. He looked at me, kinda embarassed, and said he wasn't sure whether he was or not. 'We'll listen to this track, I'll make a brew, and then I'll let you know'. Basically, us having sex with each other was fine when we're off our faces, but doing it stone cold sober was a barrier. If we did end up doing anything today it was going to be very different from the times before, but neither of us knew how this was going to work if indeed it was going to work.

So the track finished and the brew was made and brought in. We sat there drinking. Making small talk, both flirting but trying not to and skirting around the subject of sex. There wasn't an atmosphere, as such, just one of those difficult moments. We found some way of shattering that moment. After all, we'd found a level with each other where honesty was going to work.

'Yeah, I'm horny, let's do it.' So we snuggled down under the covers and started kissing and cuddling. It seemed so wierd to be able to see Mart doing this. When I was younger I always used to close my eyes when I kissed someone passionately. Then one 'trick' asked me why I always did it. Was there something wrong? Was I thinking about someone else? From that moment on, 'cos I couldn't answer, I've noticed that it's rare for me to keep my eyes closed when I kiss. This was going to be difficult, and there were no guarantees that we'd get much further than this.

I rolled him onto his back and moved myself down his body. I was going to attack his cock. 'Don't look at me!' he said as I took him in my mouth. Again it was wierd, even in the dark I always look at the face of the cock I'm chowing. I noticed he had his hand lightly over his eyes. I went back to work. I can't describe what I was thinking other than I had to really focus on worshipping the meat between my lips. We changed roles, or at least attempted to. I rolled on my back and Mart went down towards my dick. I tried not to look at him, and failed. He got a pillow and stood it across my stomach and went down on me. I started giggling, Mart's head popped back up over the pillow. 'No peeking now!' he chuckled. That just made it worse for me and I started laughing even more. 'Do you always wear this cockring?' he queried. To be honest, I'd put it on before I went out and had forgotten all about it. 'Not all the time.' I responded between giggles. He cam back up the side of me. We hugged and kissed. 'At least we can laugh at this.' I said and he nodded in agreement. We'd always believed that we'd never get as far as the sex bit because of all the laughing. There was some truth in this. But here we were enjoying each other and having a laugh at the same time. Now isn't sex supposed to be fun?

We decided to take a breather for a few minutes and had a cigarette each. The daylight on Mart's naked body made him self conscious and he kept a hand over his genitals the entire time. I don't understand that one, I have to admit. I've explored that area with my hands, my fingers and my mouth yet to explore it visually is not allowed. But I have to respect that. It's a difference that makes Mart who he is. So I'm brazen and have no issues with my own body I respect that other people aren't as open as I am about it. Certainly, Mart is much less paranoid about his body than he used to be.

When we resume our activities Mart is eating my arse. There's a mirror at the end of the bed. We had to position ourselved in such a manner that I couldn't see Mart and he couldn't see me. At one point I rolled my head and caught a glimpse of Mart between my arse-cheeks. I had to blot it out quickly. I was enjoying it, and I knew that Mart was enjoying it. But we were both having to think about it, if you understand, and that added a layer to the proceedings. I knew that sooner or later I was going to be desperate for Mart to stick his cock into me and shag me. That was going to need some thought as to positioning. We've already found that the best position for us is with me sat across him, facing him. In the dark this is fine. In daylight, and sober, this was a no no. Turning me round was not an option because of the mirror.

Fucking time arrived. 'Erm, how are we going to do this?' Mart asked.
'Erm, erm. I've been thinking about that.' for the first time, actually having difficulty talking about this.
'You know I can't look at you while we do this.' he stated.
'I know. I think the only way we're gonna be able to do this is doggy-style.' I replied

Now I like doing it doggy. Always have. I know it's not as intimate as other positions and that sometimes that intimacy is needed (for both parties). But this was an occasion where it was all down to the sex. Mart agreed that it was probably the best solution. So I assumed the position, he rubbered up, lubed up, lined up and pushed it up. It took a few attempts to get the angles right and to get us both comfortable. The advantage for Mart here, however, was that he could bang away as hard as he liked. I'd already observed from previous encounters that he likes to slam it in every now and then. He fucked me good and proper and filled the condom. We both collapsed back on the bed. He found a towel for me to sit on so I didn't get lube on the bed.

We'd entered a new territory now. One from which there was no turning back. Everytime before there had been something we could blame, either drugs, alcohol, or normally both. This time there was nothing. We'd done it because, well, we both felt like it. It was good to know that we could. Was good that we could laugh about it. The 'no peeking now!' line was going to be used again in general conversation - a private joke that only we'd get. It was also very good that we'd both enjoyed it. Neither of us believe that it's going to happen like that too many times, for no other reason than it's much harder work to settle in to.

We lay back in the afterglow. My phone went off, a text message. I waited a few moments before picking it up. It was Daddy. He was back out in town with Ben and was wondering whether I was available to join them. I told Mart. I knew that he couldn't as he was working later on. I thought about it, then thought about it some more. Then I remembered that my aim for D-Day was to get wasted. I'd done the 'bed' bit after a fashion (ok, so it wasn't my bed, and I didn't cry). So I replied to the text saying that I still had to go home and get changed but I'd meet them out later on. I spent the next few hours with Mart. I didn't want it to seem like I'd just hung around to get shagged. Sorry, but I think more of Mart than that. One hell of a lot more. We listened to the Scissor Sisters CD and laughed at some of the lyrics. 'Do you think they do drugs?' Mart asked at one point. 'I think they do some worse shit than we do honey, and more of it!' I replied.

Mart went to go to the loo. I took the opportunity to find my clothes and begin putting them on. I got partly dressed and was waiting for Mart to return. I usually spend my time there in shorts, t-shirt and a cap and Mart usually refers to me as getting ready to go clubbing. This time, I just sat on the edge of the bed wearing my cap, t-shirt, jock strap and trainers waiting for him to come back. I was going to do the 'Now I'm ready to go out' line, but gave up waiting. He probably wasn't that long but it seemed like ages to me. I got dressed properly and waited. He came back. We hugged and he led me to the door. We hugged again and kissed and I left.

Trip back home to get changed then straight back out. Just as I was leaving the phone went. It was Daddy so I told him I'd see him very shortly. Ben and Daddy were very somber when I arrived. They'd started without me, but that was ok. Wouldn't take me that long to catch up.

Can't really remember much of the night. But I know I sent a text message to Mart:

cos ur filthy, oo an i'm gorgeous. and you can open me up like christmas anytime! hope ur ok baby. love you x