Fun Stuff
And Here's One I Made Earlier...
Yes, more anal clap-trap coming up. Only this time it has a purpose. Yes today, I'm going to show you how to make something. Something practical that can be made with items lying around the house (now I know I need help!) Keep with me on this one, you will like it. I promise!
In Anal? Me? Oh, Shove It Up Yer Arse! I mentioned that I'd been thinking about a fix for the 'Chocolate Sauce' issue. Well here it is:
Now you may well be thinking: Eh? But that's ok. The picture's crap and you'll probably find you're emulating your parents when you used to bring home models from nursery. Am I right in thinking that it's the bottle-like think in the middle that is causing confusion? You see that is an integral part of the kit! It is a bottle! What's more, it's a water bottle!! So here is my design for a home-made douche. I'm aware you can buy them but as anyone who does D-I-Y will tell you there's some satisfaction in doing it yourself, aside from the fact that this cost, well, virtually nowt!
Components
You will need:-
A length of hose
I've got garden hose here, but clear hose of about that diameter might be better. (Come on, this was knocked together from thought to product in 20 minutes!)
A small funnel
Metal ones are available but I think you might find that clearish plastic is better.
Half a ball-point pen casing
Make sure it's the 'pointy' end that you write with, you'll want it to be smooth (trust me!) and unbroken. Ignore the white stuff on the picture that is...
Masking tape
soap or liquid detergent, and
a hot water source (kettle or hot running water).
50cl water bottle (those with a squirty top are ideal)
Putting It Together
In Use
You might want to repeat this. I wouldn't do it more than twice and it is important to not do it too often as you are getting rid of not just the crap (sorry!) in there but also some of the good stuff that protects you (call it casualties of war!). Also, wait a few hours if you're doing all this to be clean for sex, you need to let the whole system 'repair' itself and build up the 'good bacteria' that protect you. The 50cl bottle is about 1/2 litre. This is a good amount. It's not recommended to put more than a litre inside you or you run the risk of flushing everything back into your body - not a wise idea.
It's messy. It's fun. It works. And it feels damn good!
In Anal? Me? Oh, Shove It Up Yer Arse! I mentioned that I'd been thinking about a fix for the 'Chocolate Sauce' issue. Well here it is:
Now you may well be thinking: Eh? But that's ok. The picture's crap and you'll probably find you're emulating your parents when you used to bring home models from nursery. Am I right in thinking that it's the bottle-like think in the middle that is causing confusion? You see that is an integral part of the kit! It is a bottle! What's more, it's a water bottle!! So here is my design for a home-made douche. I'm aware you can buy them but as anyone who does D-I-Y will tell you there's some satisfaction in doing it yourself, aside from the fact that this cost, well, virtually nowt!
Components
You will need:-
A length of hose
I've got garden hose here, but clear hose of about that diameter might be better. (Come on, this was knocked together from thought to product in 20 minutes!)
A small funnel
Metal ones are available but I think you might find that clearish plastic is better.
Half a ball-point pen casing
Make sure it's the 'pointy' end that you write with, you'll want it to be smooth (trust me!) and unbroken. Ignore the white stuff on the picture that is...
Masking tape
soap or liquid detergent, and
a hot water source (kettle or hot running water).
50cl water bottle (those with a squirty top are ideal)
Putting It Together
- Wrap layers of the masking tape around the non-pointy end of the pen casing. The amount of tape depends on the inner diameter of the hose. You want it so that the pen case with packing wont quite fit in.
- Use your hot water source to soften and expand one end of the hose.
- Use a little soap or smear a small amount of liquid detergent over the masking tape.
- Insert the masking tape end of the pen case into the expanded end of the hose. If it's too slack, take a layer or two of tape off and put some more on. If it's tight then it's good. You'll want a good seal between the two when the hose cools.
- Now heat the other end of the hose with your hot water source. You'll need to get quite a bit of it soft and pliable (I know, not something most gay men are used to...)
- Smear soap/liquid detergent into the inside of the hose and over the small end of the funnel.
- Offer the end of the funnel to the hose and screw them together. The soap acts as a lubricant and should make things easier. Keep screwing it in until you can't get any more funnel into the hose.
- Allow the contraption to cool
In Use
- Fill the water bottle halfup with hot water and half with cold. Before you put the top on the bottle test the water, it should be 'pleasantly warm'. WARNING: Remember this water is going inside you. If it is too hot you will scald your insides. If it is too cold you will shock your system.
- You will want to remove your clothes and your best location for this is the bathroom (or where your toilet is)
- Use water-based lube and put a little on your ring and inside you, and also some on the end of the pointy pen-end
- Get yourself comfortable and insert pointy end up your arse. Do this s-l-o-w-l-y. It's narrower and pointy-er than a cock so is likely to cause unpleasant damage if you jab it in. How you arrange the hose is your choice but I find it easier to bring the rest of the contraption (or concraption) up backwards.
- Clench onto the inserted pointy end (you'll need both hands in a moment, get the picture?)
- Hold the funnel end (at the hose is likely safer) with one hand and get your water bottle with the other
- Slowly pour water in to the funnel. (don't try and add it all at once, and you may want to put the bottle down but keep it to hand)
- You should still be standing.
- If the water doesn't go down try lifting the funnel end slightly higher - the greater the height difference between nozzle and funner the better 'squirt' you'll get. If the water level still doesn't move ease the nozzle out a little - your insides may be blocking the flow of water.
- Keep adding water until your bottle is empty. Try and get as much water as possible inside you. You'll know when it's in there. You'll probably hear 'glugging' and may feel a warm 'filling' sensation. Above all, relax. This won't hurt! Try stroking your stomach lightly in an anti-clockwise direction.
- When you've got as much water in as you can sit on the loo keeping everything in place. You'll want to sit down gently!
- Carefully remove the nozzle - remember there will still be water in the hose and without the weight of water from inside you to keep it in the hose it will squirt over you.
- It's tempting now to relax and push it all out of you. RESIST. You want to keep that warm water in for as long as possible. Try and relax everything apart from your ring. Stroke your stomach a few times again (again, anti-clockwise). If you have to you probably can walk though I wouldn't advise trying stairs!
- Your body will tell you that it needs to empty. Don't listen to it just yet. Hold out for a little longer.
- When your body tells you that it really does have to empty, allow it BUT DON'T PUSH. Let gravity and your body do the work. You might like the sensation, don't be worried about this
- Listen to your body. It may take a couple of attempts for it to empty itself. You may feel empty, but it knows the reality. Stay there for as long as it needs (and as long as you feel comfortable).
- Now, relax, mop up, and flush the loo - for fucks sake don't look at the water unless that kind of thing really turns you on.
You might want to repeat this. I wouldn't do it more than twice and it is important to not do it too often as you are getting rid of not just the crap (sorry!) in there but also some of the good stuff that protects you (call it casualties of war!). Also, wait a few hours if you're doing all this to be clean for sex, you need to let the whole system 'repair' itself and build up the 'good bacteria' that protect you. The 50cl bottle is about 1/2 litre. This is a good amount. It's not recommended to put more than a litre inside you or you run the risk of flushing everything back into your body - not a wise idea.
It's messy. It's fun. It works. And it feels damn good!